Trop de fric à droite, dans les deux sens

Au moment même où l’un croit qu’il sauve sa tête, l’autre apprend qu’il risque de la perdre. Nicolas Sarkozy est renvoyé en procès, avec 13 autres individus, pour avoir trop dépensé dans le cadre de l’ancienne présidentielle. Plus précisément, on lui reproche d’avoir dépassé la limite légale de 22,5 millions d’euros. D’un côté, il y avait la possibilité que l’on gagnait trop de fric ; de l’autre, il était question des sommes que l’on dépensait. Et, dans les deux situations, un certain adjectif réapparaissait constamment : “fictif”.

Pas sympa de jubiler

Le copain est dans la mouise. Il faut cacher ses émotions. Garder une expression solenelle, comme si je sympathisais avec lui. Ne pas perdre son flegme. Pas facile. Nous étions dans la même équipe. J'ai pris ma punition. A lui le tour !

Former French president intercepted by a police officer

On 31 December 2016, at Saint-Tropez, the ex-president Nicolas Sarkozy ran into trouble with a local policeman. In a one-way street, the said Sarkozy was allegedly traveling in the wrong direction, which could have resulted in an accident if ever an old person or children (or anybody at all, for that matter) had happened to attempt to cross the street. The alleged culprit halted and declined his identity. It is not known whether he made any statement or apology to the police officer concerning his dangerous act. In any case, the police officer reveals that he did not encounter any kind of problem with the alleged culprit, who apparently made no attempt to behave in an incorrect manner with the representative of the law. When asked by the police officer to descend from his bicycle, the alleged offender did so, and obeyed the police officer’s suggestion of continuing his journey on foot, wheeling the bicycle alongside him. The police officer has further revealed that neither he nor the alleged culprit thought it necessary to draw attention to the fact that the alleged culprit had once occupied a special post in France. In other words, the alleged culprit received no exceptional treatment. It appears that the affair was brought to an acceptable conclusion in as rapid and harmonious a manner as possible.

Serious youthful Catholic, likes cars

#FillonPresident #Fillon2017

He’s a good-looking provincial fellow with a time-honored old French given name : François. He’s also a little “vieille France” (old France). It’s not hard to understand why the French—totally shocked by Islamic terrorists and Trump, fed up by Sarko and Copé, slightly irritated by the self-esteem of the older Juppé—find that Fillon is surely a simple man of qualities. That's what we need today : simplicity and human qualities.

photo Jean-Sébastien Evrard  / AFP

Once upon a time, they were friends

The smaller friend, on the right, is Nicolas Sarkozy, who used to be the French president. His friend on the left is Jean-François Copé, who used to be in charge of Sarko’s political party, the UMP. Then there’s an excellent news magazine, Le Point.

Last but not least, there's a mysterious French communications company named Bygmalion.

• In February 2014, Le Point said that Copé had favorized the Bygmalion agency, enabling it to pocket some 8 million euros during Sarkozy’s presidential campaign in 2012. Copé was obliged to resign, and the legal system of Paris opened an enquiry.

• Bygmalion revealed a ghost system of accounting.

• On April Fool’s Day 2015, Sarkozy was dragged into the affair.

• On September 4, 2015, Sarko blamed Copé for the mess.

• A member of Bygmalion, Jérôme Lavrilleux, counter-attacked Sarko, who was examined by legal authorities (along with 13 other individuals) for illegal financing of his political campaign.

And that’s about where we are today. You'll certainly be hearing more about this affair, in the French press, in the near future.

Rope net dropped around Sarko

The Bygmalion affair has just been dropped onto Sarko's head. If he can succeed in escaping from that mess between now and the presidential election, he's a Houdini. But the guy is as cunning as an educated ferret. So, he'll possibly succeed...

Sarko announces his presidential candidacy

Nicolas Sarkozy lors d'un rassemblement à Arcachon (Gironde),
le 23 juin 2016. (THIBAUD MORITZ / AFP)

This is the biggest non-surprise of the year. The former president Nicolas Sarkozy has written a book, Tout pour la France (Everything for France), in which he announces his intention to abandon his present role as chief of the political party Les Républicains in order to become a presidential candidate for next year’s election.

Nicolas Sarkozy

After 11 hours of questioning, the assessors concluded that Nicolas Sarkozy should be brought to trial for illegal financing in 2012 in the context of the presidential election.

In French law, the notion of being "brought to trial" doesn't mean that the person in question is actually guilty. Consequently, this assessment does not imply that Sarkozy will be prevented from competing as a candidate in next year's presidential election. But it doesn't render his theoretical candidacy any easier. For the moment, there are at least three powerful candidates from Sarko's party in the forthcoming competition. The cartoonist Plantu imagines this situation as follows:

Candidates in the water: Fillon, Juppé and Copé.

Sarko not necessarily a presidential candidate

In a TV interview published yesterday, the former president Nicolas Sarkozy, in charge of the political party called Les Républicains, has admitted explicitly for the first time that he will not necessarily be a candidate in the forthcoming presidential election.

No, we are no longer living together

In breakup photos, former partners can sometimes adopt the facial attitudes of great screen actors. Here, the viewer hardly needs to be informed about the vile thoughts that might be fleeting through the minds of Nicolas Sarkozy and Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet. The actors' expressions are more powerful than words.

The lady (often referred to by her initials as NKM) has told us that she learned through an AFP (Agence France Presse) message that the boss had removed her from the direction of the Républicains, where she was replaced by Laurent Wauquiez (who won the recent election in our local Auvergne-Rhône-Alpes region).

Now, a survey has just informed us that two out of three French people consider that Sarko screwed things up when he decided rapidly to kick out NKM. It's quite possible that the offended lady might end up replacing Sarko as the right-wind presidential candidate in 2017. It's a little too early to say so... but not too early to imagine this possibility.

Detained for questioning

This morning, about an hour ago, the French ex-President Nicolas Sarkozy was detained for questioning over alleged influence peddling.

These days, whenever we see photos of the former French president, he seems to have stopped shaving for several days.

British trick

There are rumors that Her Majesty's Guards are recruiting certain exceptional sportsmen with the aim of putting together a top-level basketball team, in the hope of challenging the USA.

Meanwhile, the Coldstream Guards hit upon the diabolical scheme of using one of their top basketball-players (whose identity cannot be determined, since his eyes are hidden behind the rim of his busby) in order to humiliate an unpopular foreign visitor—the perfectly normal president François Hollande—by making him look like a dwarf.

Back in the good old days when Nicolas Sarkozy was president, his buddy David Cameron didn't need to use this kind of nasty trick.

Patron saint of French Socialists

Next Sunday, as we wander out of our village churches after the Mass (while shaking hands with Monsieur le curé and expressing admiration for the excellence of his sermon) and stroll to the polling booths for the first round of the parliamentary elections, we Socialists must not fail to remember that our party now has a patron saint.

The feast day of Saint Nafissatou is the 14th May. A legendary tale reveals that, on that day in the year 2011, in a humble inn in the village of Manhattan, the Holy Ghost alighted upon our heroine in the bodily form of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, clad in less than the bare necessities. Were it not for all the shit that followed, we French Socialists would have pleaded with Dominique to be our leader.

History will surely confirm that Strauss-Kahn would have accepted our pleas of allegiance. We would have gone into presidential battle behind Dominique's banner. And it's not unlikely that Christians among us would have evoked the celebrated words of the Singing Nun, the tragic Belgian Jeanine Deckers [1933-1985 suicide with her female lover]... without worrying too much about the fact that the French verb niquer means "to screw" (in the sense that an internationally-renowned master of economics might like to screw prostitutes).

Were it not for Saint Nafi (her familiar name among friends), we would have gone into the recent presidential elections as innocent lambs, not knowing that the malefic forces of Sarko had more than enough data on hand to screw our hero and ourselves. And the whole nasty affair would have blown up in the middle of the electoral activities.

Big day in the USA

Between Barack Obama and François Hollande, an introductory exchange of a few words on the theme of US cheeseburgers and French fries might have been interpreted as a lighthearted evocation of the recently-adopted diet of our new French president, who used to be quite a plump little man.

photo pool/AFP — Philippe Wojazer

Ah, if only international diplomacy could be determined solely by smiles!

Apparently Barack Obama told François Hollande that he wasn't obliged to stand out in the "crowd" of G8 members by continuing to wear a necktie. Hollande explained that the necktie was purely for the French media. Are we really as formal as that in old-fashioned France? It's a fact that one of our new ministers, Cécile Duflot (chief of the Greens), was the object of certain criticism when she turned up in jeans, on Thursday, for the first ministerial meeting at the Elysée Palace.

The following White House photo highlights the rapid ascension of François Hollande into the sacrosanct courtyard of the great:

It makes me feel good to see France represented at last, within this assembly, by a fine solid left-wing Frenchman such as François Hollande... as opposed to our recent tiny twitcher, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Voices from the Socialist past

Throughout the coming week, we can expect some spectacular fireworks (akin to the final five minutes in a yet-undecided rugby match) as Nicolas Sarkozy and François Hollande move towards the final moment of truth, next Sunday.

Their forthcoming TV debate will be followed by everybody in France. I don't imagine that there'll be a "winner" and a "loser", unless one of the candidates has a fit of madness... which is a perfectly serious possibility that must not be excluded a priori. And, even if one guy succeeded in knocking out his opponent, I'm not sure that this would change French voting opinion enormously. I believe that most people have already made up their minds, and it's Bye-bye Nicolas (along with your glitzy watches, your charming kids and your top-model wife).

The only thing I regret profoundly in the inevitable impending victory of the left is that Sarko was an adept of cycling, whereas Hollande is a dull soccer guy. OK, I'm a cycling snob, but I find it hard to imagine the president François Hollande watching with enthusiasm (necessary madness) a mythical ascension of the Ventoux. Unless Hollande can do something about this weakness (maybe there are training courses in this domain), his incapacity to go crazy about pairs of wheels on mountain slopes could well turn out to be a significant political handicap.

Meanwhile, we've just heard Dominique Strauss-Kahn informing us that his affair in Manhattan was some kind of Sarkozian setup.

Frankly, for the moment, I can't figure out why DSK chose the present crucial moment (between the two rounds of the presidential elections) to make this disturbing revelation. Is there method in his madness? For the moment, it's impossible to say... But who gives a fuck (apart from DSK, who's apparently good at giving that kind of thing)?

As for the opinions of the former presidential candidate Lionel Jospin, they're easier to understand.

Jospin claims that Sarko was using "the weapon of lies" in suggesting that 700 Muslim mosques in France had proclaimed that their flock should vote for François Hollande. Personally, I've never found it difficult to believe, nor even alarming, that Sarko and his friends might be tempted, from time to time, to play around with the truth.

I'm not saying that being a socialist in France today is a permanent cure against telling political lies... but it seems to help at times.

Vulnerable electoral poster

Nicolas Sarkozy was not particularly prudent in his choice of this calm marine backdrop for his electoral poster, released yesterday.

Really, that vast stretch of calm empty water is an invitation to viewers to imagine ways and means of filling it in. The celebrated Jewish philosopher Baruch Spinoza [1632-1677] claimed that "Nature abhors a vacuum". In his poster, Sarko has offered us a huge vacuum of water and sky which we all, naturally, start to abhor.

As soon as I saw the poster, yesterday, I started playing around with various possible parodies, and several marine themes jostled in my imagination. I thought about trying to incorporate this delightful image into Sarko's poster, but this composition of an iceberg and a fragile vessel above the ocean depths is narrow and deep, whereas Sarkozy's poster is wide and shallow. So, I abandoned the ship and gave up trying.

For those of us who don't like Sarko, and see his possible reelection as a catastrophe, the first image that springs into mind, to occupy the emptiness in his poster, is the great hull of the Titanic sliding gracefully into the icy waters of the Atlantic.

This theme is reinforced by the recent stupid wreck of the Costa Concordia on the rocky coast of the Mediterranean island of Giglio.

We soon learned that Sarko's photo of the empty sea was in fact a public-domain image of the Aegean. Now, Sarkozy surely regretted the divulgation of this trivial element of information, because the calm waters of Greece are not exactly an ideal symbol, these days, for a European political candidate.

Before the day was out, we heard that France's largest yacht, belonging to the media magnate Stéphane Courbit, had in fact just sunk in the waters of Greece.

And people started to wonder immediately if this were not the same luxurious yacht on which the newly-elected Sarkozy and his current wife had disappeared for a short vacation in the Mediterranean during the days that followed his victory in 2007.

No, it was the same kind of rich owner, and the same bling-bling lifestyle, but not the same boat.

Consequently, this morning, I was delighted to find that a host of excellent parodies had been created during the 24 hours that followed Sarko's presentation of his poster. Click here to see some of them. And here are some others (in which the humor often requires an acquaintance with all kinds of Sarkozian happenings):

Nice couples, nice tax

These days, people who hear of the Sarkozy couple would have normally imagined this duo:

There's an offspring. The extreme right-wing politician Marine Le Pen was offended by the fact that the given name of Sarko's child, Giulia, is not pure dyed-in-the-wool French. But this will surely not give rise to a revolution.

Meanwhile, the major couple in the news is the Merkozy duo:

And a little bit of the Obamazy duo:

The couple strolled together in the rain, at Cannes, in front of musicians of the French Foreign Legion.

Then, on the Friday evening TV news, Obama heaped praise upon the French president for his rôle in the current Greek crisis.

I've never been a fan of Nicolas Sarkozy, but I've admired his tenacity in dealing with this affair… even though nobody is convinced yet that all the basic problems have been solved.

Governments of progressive societies need lots of finance to improve the situation of their citizens, and it's obtained through taxation. To my mind, Sarkozy is on the right track when he advocates a Tobin tax on financial transactions. I would imagine that François Hollande, our likely next president, would also strive to install this good tax.

Feathers in Sarko's hat

It's a bit scary to see that Nicolas Sarkozy is visiting Libya today, at a weird moment when the ousted dictator Gaddafi still remains at large, apparently protected by a certain number of supporters. But it's easy to understand why Sarkozy finds it a good idea, at this precise moment, to fly in and out of this Mediterranean land.

With the French presidential elections looming, liberated Libya will be a fine feather in Sarko's campaign hat. Besides, images of the visit will no doubt dominate this evening's TV news in France, at exactly the same moment that viewers are getting ready to watch the very first debate between the six candidates for the Socialist primary.

Here are the results of the latest opinion poll, published this morning in the French press:

Incidentally, on the subject of Sarko, it's interesting to discover that the poor man's hair is rapidly turning gray.

That, too, will be a significant asset in the forthcoming presidential campaign. The Socialist favorite François Hollande is some six months older than Sarko, and he has a receding hairline. But I can already visualize the wise old gray-haired Sarko treating Hollande condescendingly as a politically-inexperienced youngster.

Frenzy pays

Yes, frenzy might pay. Like crime (at times). But at what price? Almost everybody has come around to agreeing that Nicolas Sarkozy is a crazy guy. You only have to try to watch him for a while, and you soon become burdened by a huge fatigue. Imagine that you were out jogging, and Sarko suddenly came up from behind and passed you, and you decided to follow him. He's so full of infinite energy that he ends up fatiguing you, like the relentless Duracell bunny in the celebrated sketch by the late great French humorist Pierre Desproges.



Over the last couple of days, Sarko devoted his relentless energy to organizing an international wave capable of terminating the bloody madness of Gaddafi. And it looks like Sarko's frenzy is indeed paying. You might think of it as one crazy guy determined to get another.

Even Gaddafi tried to use clinical psychiatric language (which I won't attempt to reproduce here) in trying to explain what might have gone askew in the Mediterranean hemisphere of his old mate's skull… and there may even have been hordes of Mediterranean folk who believed such explanations. Be that as it may, Sarko's frenzy seems—as I just said—to be paying. But at what credibility price?

My primitive old-fashioned Antipodes blog is surely not sophisticated enough—simply not fast enough—to record the speed of Sarko's constantly-evolving agitations. He wriggles nervously his head and shoulders (no anti-dandruff publicity intended) at the speed of lite (a low-power Sarkozian variation on light). Concerning the Libyan affair, for example, I'm almost ashamed to reveal to non-French readers that this whole business of Sarko's anti-Gaddafi stance originated within the context of the diplomatic agitations of a certain romantic but brilliant French philosopher, Bernard-Henri Lévy, bare-chested husband of the actress Arielle Dombasles.

No, I refuse to even try to explain what these contacts might be all about. Not only would my readers fail to grasp anything whatsoever about what I might say, but I too don't really understand what such "people" (as they're called in academic French) have to do with the running of the République. That's the charm of Sarko.

Stubborn mummies

Normally, a self-respecting mummy is expected to migrate promptly to the afterlife, particularly when it has ample on-board supplies and more than enough ready cash to buy a coffee or a beer along the way.

Last night on French TV, I witnessed the presence of two distinguished mummies—one in Egypt, as is normal, and the other here in France—who seem to be somewhat stubborn about leaving the scene and allowing another pharaoh to rule over their old territory and people. The first mummy, of course, was Hosni Mubarak, who used his entire farewell oration to inform us that he ain't goin' nowhere in the near future. Earlier on in the day, I had heard snippets of information about the massive wealth that this fellow has amassed and stored away for his family and himself in various corners of the planet. Frankly, whichever way I look at the Egyptian situation, I reckon that this Hosni guy is living dangerously, and I would be most surprised if he ever has a chance of spending his ill-gotten gains in various nice vacation spots around the globe. Maybe, to mention an obvious idea for a voyage, he might end up floating quietly down the Nile… but it's not sure that the circumstances of such a trip would correspond to Hosni's hopes.

Closer to home, our local mummy is Nicolas Sarkozy… but he won't actually be wrapped up and set on his voyage to the afterlife until next year. For the moment, he's in a kind of zombie state, shocked by the massive backlash of citizens the majority of whom appear to consider that the president hasn't delivered the goods he promised, and that his time is up. Yesterday evening, he organized a fake talk show in which he replied to questions from a carefully-selected panel of citizens. I only watched this show for a few minutes, as I thought it would be particularly boring. I'm told it was. Although the cotton wrappings are on the wall, Sarko carries on stubbornly pretending that he's still in the land of the living. Pharaoh enough… presidents never like to go out with a whimper.

BREAKING NEWS: Less than an hour ago, the Egyptian mummy has finally realized (mummies don't think rapidly) that his people would like him to fuck off… and that's what he's doing. Needless to say, the fatigued crowds are erupting in joy.

Meanwhile, here in France, nothing of a similar nature appears to be happening in the case of Sarkophagus.